


Restraint

by SomebodyIUsetoKnow



Series: You Go, I Go [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Abuse mentioned, Academy Era, Anxiety, Consensual bondage, Flashbacks, Gen, Kissing, M/M, Medical Assistance in Suicide mentioned, Merinthophobia, Non-Sexual Bondage, Other, Panic Attacks, Starfleet Academy, Torture Mentioned, addiction mentioned, attempted kidnapping mentioned, attempted murder mentioned, rape mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28174470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomebodyIUsetoKnow/pseuds/SomebodyIUsetoKnow
Summary: A course at Starfleet Academy threatens to derail everything Jim Kirk has worked for the past two years. A terrifying secret is about to tear him apart unless he can face the fear and open himself to the one man he trusts above all others. Can Bones help Jim or will what he learns about his friend change everything?  (Academy Era)
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Series: You Go, I Go [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1495766
Comments: 6
Kudos: 64





	Restraint

**Stardate 2257.075**

**San Francisco, California, Earth**

Jim was freaking out. 

Pacing back and forth in the small confines of the dorm room he shared with Bones, he had been trying to calm his racing heart for the last hour. He wasn’t succeeding in the least. If anything, between his frantic movement and the thoughts racing through his brain, he was close to having a panic attack. Something he hadn’t done in over a year.

Bones had been there for that one; knew the rudimentary history between him and that group of whack jobs. But the physician had chalked it up to the drugs that had nearly killed Jim. Bones didn’t know that it was a deep seeded phobia that was now coming back to bite him in the ass. Worse yet, it could derail everything he had worked for the last two years.

He needed help, but that wasn’t something he had ever asked for before. He’d always fought through everything on his own. But he didn’t know how to do that this time. Hence the pacing and the worrying and the panicking.

That was how Bones found him when the doctor returned to the room a few hours later.

Leonard knew something was wrong the instant he walked around the partition that separated the room from the entrance. Jim was oblivious to his arrival, something that never happened, and was moving about the room with severely agitated steps. His Cadet red jacket was tossed haphazardly on Jim’s bed, next to his data PADD, and a sheen of sweat was obvious on the younger man’s pale and waxy skin.

“Jim?” Leonard called a moment later, when his roommate and best friend still hadn’t acknowledged him. He was more than a little concerned when the man in question seemed to flinch back to reality and snapped his head to look at Leonard with eyes wide with fear. Instantly on alert, McCoy set his satchel on his own bed and approached his friend cautiously. “Jim, what’s happened?”

Without a word, Jim reached for the PADD and activated it with a touch. He held it out for Bones to take, which the man did. He read quickly the information on the screen and allowed himself a confused frown. “This is your schedule for the upcoming summer semester.”

“Saturdays,” was the answer. “Pike recommended me for it.”

Advanced Tactical Training, enrollment was limited to those cadets whose advisor sanctioned their place on the class roster. It blocked fifteen hours starting at 0500 hours with a caveat that it could and would most likely exceed the allotted hours and may interfere with other classes. Those enrolled in the class were required to notified other professors of their participation and were responsible for any assignments they might miss.

It was surprising to Leonard that Jim was part of the class. While working at the Academy Clinic Leonard had met, and treated, his fair share of Cadets who washed out of the course last summer semester while Jim had been aboard the Farragut. Their injuries hadn’t been anything life threatening, but they were severe and none of them had been able to disclose how they had gotten hurt. Everything about that class was classified.

“Congratulations?” Bones handed the PADD back.

Jim snorted and tossed the device back onto the bed. “Right.”

Leonard didn’t miss how his roommate’s hands were shaking. “Jim, talk to me. What’s going on?”

Practically growling, Jim covered his face with his hands before slumping onto the mattress beside his jacket. “Goddammit, this is so fucked up.” When Bones didn’t answer, Jim huffed and looked up at his friend. “Can I? Talk to you, I mean. As a Doctor. Off the record but still confidentially?”

When he sat on his own bed, he was only a couple of feet from Jim and it was easy for him to reach over and place a reassuring hand on Jim’s shoulder. He chose to ignore the flinch he caused and squeezed gently. “Jim, as a Doctor, your friend, whatever you need me to be, anything you say will stay between the two of us. You should know that by now.”

Jim nodded and twisted on the mattress until he was sitting up and facing Bones with their knees practically touching. Neither man spoke for a moment, and Jim was grateful that Bones didn’t push it. “Do you remember last year? The night I got back with the Farragut.”

The muscle in Leonard’s jaw twitched as he clenched his teeth when the memory of the night in question readily surfaced. “I remember. Are those bastards making trouble again? Is that why Pike’s got you going for the extra training?”

“There hasn’t been anything from them since that night, but what happened is part of what I-” Swallowing hard, Jim struggled to find the right words to explain and scrubbed a hand over his mouth before finally speaking. “I need help, Bones. I could very well wash out of the course before the end of the semester because of this and I can’t let it happen. I _need_ this course, otherwise I can kiss the Captain’s chair goodbye before I even get to sit in it.”

“You know I’ll help you however I can, Jim.” Leonard nodded once. “But there’s not much I can do about your allergies-”

“The allergies aren’t the problem.” Jim sighed. After another moment of strained silence, he tugged at the cuffs of the crew-neck shirt he was wearing, pulling them up past his wrists. He held them out to Bones, desperately wishing his hands weren’t trembling, and tilted the limbs until the scarring was exposed to the light.

Leonard only hesitated a second before he reached out tentatively pulled one hand closer to him. He ran a finger over the fine scar, a thread of pale skin hidden in the creases of his friend’s wrist. The tissue was old, significantly older than the night last year, and encircled the entire circumference of the limb. It was uneven, thin in some places while thicker and wider in others. He hadn’t seen scars like this outside of his text books, but he could easily imagine the type of abrasion that had caused them. And what had happened to Jim to cause the injury in the first place. “Jim-”

“I was fourteen,” He interrupted, shuddering as his eyes unfocussed and his past surged into the present. “I’d been living with my stepfather’s brother and his wife for more than two years when the crops failed. We hadn’t had a decent meal in almost two months, but then neither had the rest of the colony, when Kodos ordered the execution of half of the colonists. I tried to save who I could, but after three months of running and hiding and starving and guerilla tactics against Kodos and his soldiers I was caught.”

The hand that was now clenched between Leonard’s was cold, clammy, and Jim’s entire body was wracked with tremors. The words that were coming from his best friend’s mouth were concise and terrifying and Leonard wished to god he could tell Jim to stop and take it back. He desperately wished what he was hearing was some kind of joke, but no one – not even James T. Kirk – could fake something like this.

“I was tied up, taken to Kodos, and he had me _tortured_ for weeks. The entire time they kept me restrained; hands behind my back or stretched over my head to leave me dangling for hours at a time. I tried to escape, constantly twisting and pulling and using my own blood as a lubricant while trying to loosen the bindings. Nothing worked and by the time rescue came they couldn’t just cut me free; they had to surgically remove the wire they were using at the end.”

The silence that fell around the pair was heavy with grief and ghosts from a truly horrifying past. Leonard loathed to let go of Jim’s hand when the younger man pulled back, tugging the long sleeves of his shirt down until they covered the scars again, and could only watch as the cadet fought to regain control of himself.

“Merinthophobia.” Jim continued after a few minutes, his voice stronger and more like his usual self though Leonard could hear the underlying quiver of fear. “The panic attack that you saw last year wasn’t because of the allergic reaction to the drugs those jackasses used.”

“It was because they tied you up.” Leonard whispered as the events of that night took a more worrying tone. The attempted kidnapping had been bad enough, the anaphylaxis had made it worse, but the shock Jim’s body succumbed to – apparently because of a very real and very dangerous phobia – had nearly killed him.

Jim nodded in confirmation. “When I was a kid, after Tarsus, I didn’t tell anyone about the night terrors or the flashbacks. I thought I could handle it; didn’t think I’d ever be put into that type of situation again. I looked up a self-treatment plan. It’s taken years, and more than a few set backs, but I can now think about, talk about, and even see pictures of someone being tied up without thinking about what happened on that planet. No more panic attacks.”

“But the self treatment plan did nothing for you when you were actually tied up.” Leonard stated clinically. As much as he wanted to be ‘Best-Friend-Bones’ he knew Jim needed Dr. McCoy. “Last year, your heart stopped Jim. You were so terrified at being restrained that your heart literally stopped beating. We treated it as a side effect of the drugs, but it wasn’t something physical. It was psychological.”

“I know.” Jim admitted. “And now, Pike’s got me signed up for this course. I’ve got the course outline already and the entire second half of the semester is Level C SERE Training.”

Leonard grimaced before he could stop himself. All Starfleet Cadets were expected to complete some level of SERE training: Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape. In theory, it was a good idea, preparing cadets whose positions in Starfleet would make them more vulnerable to capture and varying degrees of interrogation. And yes, even torture. However, the practical portion of the class was what brought most of the cadets who washed out of the course to Leonard’s attention.

“That’s why I need help, Bones.” Jim’s voice was hoarse and barely a louder than a whisper. “Soon, as in a couple of months at best, I am going to be tied up and expected to escape. I will be interrogated and expected to resist. I will be tortured and expected not to break. If I fail – if I panic, I’m done. I just… I don’t know if I can go through all that again.”

“We can work on desensitization,” Bones said automatically. “Holos, vids-”

“I’ve already done that.” Jim interrupted with the shake of his head. “It’s how I got to the point that I’m at now. The idea of being tied up again scares the shit out of me, but I’m able to manage that fear.”

“What about medication? Estazolam and diazepam-”

“Are part of the Benzodiazepines family which-”

“You are allergic to most of.” Leonard grumbled and stood up, beginning to pace as Jim had been when he entered. “What about Hypnotherapy?”

“You really think I’d ever relax deep enough to be hypnotized?” Jim shook his head again. “Even with you, Bones, it wouldn’t work.”

“Then what, Jim?” Leonard demanded, throwing his hands up in the air. “This is the first time in two years you’ve _actually asked me_ for help and you’re shooting down my ideas as quickly as I can think of them!”

“Behavior Therapy.”

Leonard froze in mid stride and stared at his roommate. Jim’s posture was rigid, hands clasped together in his lap, and his eyes were focussed on a point on the floor between his feet. “Excuse me?” He all but hissed at the younger man. He saw Jim flinch but didn’t relent. “I must have heard wrong, because you did not just sit there and say what I thought you said.”

“I’ve had the semester’s schedule for twelve hours Bones,” Jim commented wearily. “I’ve thought about nothing else and I’ve wracked my brain for any way other than this.”

“No.”

Jim finally turned to look at Bones with steel in his eyes. “It’s been proven as the number one treatment for phobias.”

“No.”

“I trust you, Bones.” Jim insisted, rising to his feet. “I thought about going to Pike and having him assign me a therapist, but everything I’ve read and researched all says the same thing. It all comes down to trust. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to do this.”

“You’re asking me to tie you up and torture you!” Leonard bellowed, in the back of his mind very glad for the soundproofing that kept all sound inside the dorm rooms.

The blonde closed the distance between them. “I’m asking you to help me handle my Merinthophobia. Pain doesn’t scare me, Bones. I’ve been tortured; I know my limits and nothing they would ever consider doing in a training course would come close to breaking me. But put me through that, while I’m fighting not to panic from being tied up and it’s over. Pain, I can handle. What I can’t, is being vulnerable and physically incapable or fighting or moving or speaking.”

Bones was not happy, that much was evident by the fists clenched at his side and the deepening of the permanent glower he typically wore. But Jim saw the softening of the lines around his eyes and the loosening of the muscles around his jaw.

“I trust you, Bones.” Jim reiterated. “I know, that if we did this, you could and would help me. You read me better than anyone and you would know when enough was enough despite my posturing. And should something go wrong, you would be here with me every step of the way.”

Leonard felt a stutter in his breath when Jim reached out and his hand cupped Leonard’s face with a tenderness that he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“I can’t do this with anyone else, Bones.” Jim whispered. “I won’t. And if you can’t do this, then that’s all right. I won’t push you.”

There was a warm spot in his chest that spread out and calmed him visibly, his body relaxing beneath the other man’s touch. Reaching up, Leonard placed a hand atop Jim’s. “I won’t interrogate you.”

“That’s not what I want.”

“I sure as hell won’t torture you.”

“Never considered it for a second.”

“We stop when I say we stop.”

“Always.”

**Stardate 2257.095**

**San Francisco, California, Earth**

Life at the Academy had a way of getting away from them. Between classes, study groups, homework, and Leonard’s shifts at the campus clinic, it was almost two weeks before the roommates’ schedules allowed them to do more than talk about what Jim’s “Therapy” would consist of. Leonard had spent some of the quieter moments of his shifts preparing the treatment plan and, while he still had some reservations, he was confident that he would be able to help his friend.

They had spoke quietly in the mess hall between classes, the rare times their schedule overlapped, and Leonard had laid it all out for Jim. The younger man was wary, he had every right to be, but agreed to the plan. As Jim’s physician and a licensed psychologist, McCoy was able to approach Captain Pike and have their schedules adapted to allot several hours for an evening ‘therapy’ session weekly. The Captain had been curious, but respected both cadets enough to not pry.

Nearly three weeks after that first conversation, Leonard was locking the door to their dorm and activating the ‘do-not-disturb’ feature. Jim was nervously waiting for him, leg bouncing as he sat on the edge of his bed watching his roommate gather several items from his footlocker.

“So, tonight’s just the avoidance test, right?”

Leonard looked up from his belongings and felt his stomach clench at the sight of Jim worrying his lower lip. “I need a starting point, a baseline.” He confirmed, before closing the chest and standing. He sat next to Jim, his hand resting on the jittery leg and stilling it. “You’re already tense, anxious, I need you to try and calm down or the BAT is going to be skewed. I’m not going to do anything right away. I just want you to talk to me, honestly and bluntly, all right? If you want this to work, I need to know exactly what you’re feeling and what you’re thinking about while we’re doing these sessions. Can you do that for me, Jim?”

Jim scrubbed a hand over his mouth, took a deep breath, and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah I can do that.”

“Good.” He shifted from his spot beside his friend and moved the minute distance across the floor to his own bed. The doctor placed the items he had picked out behind him, out of Jim’s line of sight, and sat on the mattress’ edge facing Jim. Watching his friend’s reaction, he held out a pair of simple metal handcuffs. He frowned to himself, his professionalism keeping his face blank of emotion even though it hurt to see the shadow of fear in Jim’s eyes. “What do they make you think of, Jim?”

The younger cadet licked his lips and swallowed heavily, taking several seconds to gather himself before answering in a quiet, but steady voice. “Prison.”

“You’ve mentioned in the past that you’d spent some time in jail. How old were you?”

Scoffing, Jim lifted his eyes away from the shackles and at his roommate’s face. “Repeat offender here, Bones. Remember? You’ll need to be more specific. Which time?”

“All right, the first time.”

Jim’s head bobbed in agreement and swallowed heavily. “I was eleven.”

That surprised Leonard and he couldn’t stop his eyebrows from shooting up, though thankfully Jim was so lost in memory he didn’t notice. “That young?”

“I’d stolen my grandfather’s antique corvette and drove it into the quarry outside of Riverside.” Jim wore a half smirk but there was no mirth in his eyes, just pain at the past that was being dragged to the forefront of his mind. “The cuffs were too big – I was a scrawny kid back then – and the cop that ‘arrested’ me did it to put the fear of breaking the law again into a stupid punk. I was in the Riverside holding cell for a few hours before my stepdad came to get me. No charges were official laid against me; thought it best if they’d leave disciplining me up to the family. They’d regret that decision later…”

“What did your grandfather do?” Leonard pressed gently after a moment of Jim’s silence.

The younger cadet cleared his throat and tore his eyes away from the metal restraints and look up at Leonard’s face. “Nothing. He had died when I was three; complications from pneumonia caused by smoke inhalation during a fire that destroyed our house. Grandpa Rus had tried to get me out, I’d been hiding under my bed, when part of my bedroom roof collapsed on him and pinned him for several minutes before we were rescued.”

“Shit, Jim!” Leonard exclaimed breathlessly, devastated to realize that his friend remembered witnessing the cause of his Grandfather’s death. He took a steadying breath and set aside the handcuffs, bringing the conversation back on track with his next question. “So, if not your Grandfather…?”

“My stepdad.” All emotion drained from Jim’s voice and face and dread filled Leonard. “Things hadn’t been right between him and my Mom for a while; she kept leaving for missions, he kept drinking. Sam took the brunt of it, had been beaten bloody more than a dozen times in two years. I have never blamed him for taking off that morning; Frank wouldn’t have hesitated to kill him if he’d been there.”

The lump in Leonard’s throat was like a ball of razor blades when he swallowed. “Like he hesitated with you?”

“I wouldn’t say he hesitated.” Jim responded flatly, eyes glassy and unfocussed. “Was just taking his time. Making sure I learned my lesson before he…” He flinched suddenly, a hand flying to his stomach and fisting in his shirt.

Leonard felt ill.

He had seen the scars before. After two years of living together it was impossible not to have seen Jim in varying stages of undress. So, he had seen them, a handful of thin white scars that were scattered across the skin of Jim’s stomach and abdomen. He’d had his suspicions and was horrified to not only have them confirmed but by the cause of them as well.

Jim had been stabbed, a half-dozen times, at the age of eleven, by the man who was supposed to have been a father to him.

Across the gap between their bed’s, Leonard heard a gasp of pain pass through Jim’s parted lips and cursed. He should have expected this, knowing the idiosyncrasies of Jim’s mind. Jim had mentioned he used to have them as a kid but seeing him like this – with sweat on his forehead and trapped in a flashback of the night his stepfather tried to kill him – was the last thing he had ever wanted to see.

“Jim, listen to me, it’s not real.” He leaned forward until their knees were almost touch but held back from doing so as he spoke calmly. “It’s a flashback, Jim; it may feel like it’s happening but it’s over. He’s not hurting you anymore.”

“He stopped him from killing me…” Jim gasped, eyes still glassy and not seeing the present. “Frank went after him instead… stabbed him twice…

“Breathe, Jim! Deep, slow breaths…” He was almost desperate with the need to hold his friend but knew it was the last thing that Jim would accept right now. “You’re not there, Jim, you’re in San Francisco.”

“…Starfleet…” the manic sheen in Jim’s eyes started to fade and he was blinking rapidly. “… he was Starfleet too…”

“I’m going to touch you, Jim.” Leonard told him, tentatively reaching and place a cautious hand on Jim’s thigh. The man flinched but didn’t draw away, his eyes finally focussing on Leonard’s face with a curious expression before he released a near explosive exhale and the stiffness in his body retreated, leaving him shaking with tremors. “Tell me what you see.”

“You…” He shook his head, blinking a couple more times as the tremors were already lessening. “Our dorm.” He answered after a brief pause, his voice breathless and weary. “Blue: the afghan on the foot of your bed; your mother’s blouse in the picture on your headboard; the binding of the spine on the paper book my mom sent from her last mission on my desk.”

A small smile curled Leonard’s lips as he recognized the grounding mechanism that was common for those who suffered flashbacks. “You with me again, Jim?” 

The suddenly exhausted man nodded, the hand unclenching from his shirt and resting atop Leonard’s still on Jim’s leg. Jim’s other hand rubbed at his eyes before scrubbing down his face. “Shit… been a while since I did that.”

“You’ve told me you used to have them frequently growing up.” Leonard said with a frown. “What we’re doing… it’s going to bring up a lot of unpleasant memories.”

“Not all of them are unpleasant.” Jim mumbled from behind his hand before he dropped it to his lap. He met Leonard’s gaze. “He showed up only a few minutes before my Mom did. She was so bad ass!” He chuckled grimly. “But him? He put himself between me and Frank; got stabbed a couple times for his troubles before my Mom showed up and stunned Frank.”

“Who was he?”

A mischievous smirk tugged at Jim’s mouth and Leonard felt something inside himself uncoil. “A Lieutenant Commander with Starfleet; the same man who rescued Grandpa Rus, me and Sam from the house fire.”

“Seriously?” That was unexpected, though if Jim said so then Leonard believed him. Jim’s memory made it impossible for him to miss or forget details like that.

Jim nodded. “I’ve met him a few times since then; always seems to show up when I’m getting into trouble. But his identity is Classified by Starfleet, so I can’t tell you who he is exactly. Technically, I’m not even suppose to know but with my brain…”

Silence fell around the pair and Leonard was pleased to find it wasn’t strained or uncomfortable. He let it linger, allowing Jim the time to recollect himself. When the tremors passed, the clammy sheen of sweat was gone, Leonard broke the silence. “We’re done, Jim.”

Jim nodded. “I’m sorry I messed up your behavioral avoidance test. Next time-”

“No, Jim, we’re done. I’m done!” He slowly sat back, regrettably pulling his hand back from his friend’s leg. “I didn’t do anything and sent you reeling into a flashback of your worst memory!

“It wasn’t the worst.” With a sigh, Jim pushed himself off his bed and walked on shaky legs to the small fridge in their room. Leonard was about to scold him for going for the booze when the younger man surprised him with two bottles of water. He came back and held one out for Leonard who took it gratefully. “I’ve seen a lot of shit, Bones. A lot of it as it was being done to me.”

That didn’t make him feel any better.

Instead of sitting on his own bed, Jim slumped onto the mattress beside Leonard. “As much as I loathe the idea of you seeing me fall apart like I did, I need help.”

“How did this help, Jim?” Leonard asked quietly, rolling the still sealed bottle between his hands. “We didn’t even approach anything about your Merinthophobia.”

“You’re the Psychologist, Bones.” Jim gently bumped their shoulders together. “I shouldn’t have to tell you that nothing is ever one dimensional. I knew I wouldn’t be able to just have you tie me up a couple times and be cured. There’s a root to all my psychoses and a lot of them stem from that day. I know that, I just… I’ve never wanted to go back there again.”

The pair were quiet for a few minutes, Leonard finally opening the bottle and taking a generous drink of the cool water within. He kept his eyes focused on the little flower on the label. “Your stepfather tried to kill you.”

He heard Jim inhale sharply and felt him nod beside him. His voice was husky with emotion when he replied. “He did. And then a year later I would be sent to live with his brother and his wife on Tarsus.”

Leonard took another long drink, really wishing it was something with a lot more kick to it. “Goddamn it…”

“… yeah.”

**Stardate 2257.109**

**San Francisco, California, Earth**

The hands were cold, clammy, and shaking as he squeezed them gently to check for circulation. Satisfied, Leonard walked around the chair Jim was sitting him, the younger man’s wrists bound behind his back. They were the only part of him tied, the ropes loose and easily to slip out of should Jim begin to panic. Leonard was watching Jim’s face closely, even as Jim’s eyes were staring unblinking at the floor between his feet.

“You’re doing good.” Leonard murmured and gently rubbed a hand across Jim’s shoulder.

“I hate this.” Jim muttered under his breath, an uneasy sweat dampening his brow, his fists clenching and unclenching in the ropes securing them together.

“I know.” He crouched in front of his ‘captive’, both his hands resting on Jim’s knees as comforting as he could make them. “You’re almost done; just a few minutes more.”

“Didn’t know kidnappings had a time limit.” He tried to quip, but the gritting of his teeth belied his unease.

“Technically, not a kidnapping.” Leonard told him, hoping to distract him from the last few minutes. “I haven’t forcibly moved you from one location to another. You’d think for all the times you’ve been kidnapped you’d know the difference.”

“Fine, unlawful confinement.” He grumbled, but there was a slight glint of amusement in his eyes. “And in my defence, they were all _attempted_ kidnappings. No one’s _actually_ succeeded in kidnapped me. Hell, some of them didn’t even get close.”

Leonard eyed him for a moment. “Pike told you?”

Jim shook his head, his shoulder’s relaxing minutely though Leonard didn’t think Jim even noticed. “I hacked into Starfleet Security’s files on Terra Prime after last year. I knew of the four attempts that got close enough to make a play for me – five, I suppose, but I didn’t know about the one when I was a baby – but the rest were a surprise. As much as I hated Starfleet’s fixation on me growing up, knowing what I know now I can’t say they weren’t right.”

“They tried when you were just an infant?” Leonard quirked an eyebrow at that.

“The file said I was a month and a half old; after being born two months premature and on an unshielded medical escape shuttle.” He shifted slightly in the chair, almost as if making himself comfortable and Leonard tried not to smile. “One of the nurses at Starfleet Medical had been a Terra Prime plant; been there years so no one suspected a thing until she took me from the NICU.”

Leonard glanced at the chrono on the wall. “What about the ones you do remember?”

“The first was when I was five. One of the fathers of a classmate in Kindergarten tried to snatch me while on a fieldtrip.” He chuckled lightly. “I was always getting bored in classes, even back then, and had been assigned a teacher’s aide to keep me occupied with grade five maths and reading while the others were still learning their ABC’s and 123’s.”

He allowed himself a soft chuckle of his own. “Starfleet?”

Jim bobbed his head in affirmation. “He had a compact phaser hidden beneath his pantleg he didn’t think I knew about; used it to stun Kellogg’s – that was the Terra Prime goon – ass in the middle of the corn maze he’d gotten us lost in.”

“Which, of course, you knew the way out of.”

“Not like I was going to tell him that.”

The time changed on the chrono. “What about the next time?”

“Fifteen. One of the higher ups in Terra Prime had moved his family to Riverside about two years after the corn maze incident. Had his youngest son try to make friends with Sam and me and, when that didn’t work, his daughter to seduce Sam.”

“Your brother’s too smart to have fallen for it.” Leonard watched Jim roll his shoulder unconsciously and stretch his neck.

“He didn’t. After… after Tarsus, I went back to Riverside and was staying with Nana Kass – Kassandra Davis, Frank and Uncle Doug’s mother. She was the history teacher at the local high school and a good woman. Took good care of me, even tried to get me reintegrated into normal society. Kept taking me to the school football games, though I think she knew I always hid out beneath the bleachers with a pilfered six-pack of beer and a few other illegal means of self medicating.”

“What happened?”

“The daughter – Donna – was sent in to lure me out into the parking lot where her father, brothers, and uncle were all waiting for us. She was terrible at it, and I had already hacked into Starfleet files before I went back to school and knew who her father was suspected of being. So, I went with her to meet her family.”

“Oh god, what did you do to them?”

“Broken nose, second grade concussion, phaser stun, made her father piss his pants before Starfleet Security showed up and talked me down from killing him.” He shrugged absently. “I was in a bad place back then.”

“So that’s two, and the baby one and what happened last year makes four. So, when was the time before that?” Leonard masked his excitement behind his curiosity. “Pike mentioned an attempt the night before we met on the shuttle, so two years ago?”

Jim nodded. “I’d been out in the black, odd jobs and getting work with various ships and crews for almost eight years when my Mom sent word that Nana Kass passed away. Took me three weeks to get back to Earth and after the funeral they tried to nab me right from the farmhouse. I was so fed up with everything, I went to the bar, got shitfaced drunk, tried to pick up the wrong cadet, and next thing I know I’m bleeding from several places and staring up at a royally pissed off Captain Pike

Leonard laughed lightly again. “And he dared you to join Starfleet and here we are.”

“Here we are.” He grumbled and rolled his shoulders with an undeniable air or annoyance. “Where I’m tied up in my dorm room while we psychoanalyse my life.”

“Where you’ve just gone ten minutes longer than last week.” Leonard corrected with an amused grin. He reached up and felt the steady and calm pulse point on the side of Jim’s neck. “You’re no longer sweating, and your heartrate is normal and you’re breathing fine.” He stood from his crouched position and moved around the chair, bending to untie the easy knot securing his friend in place.

Jim’s eyes were wide as he flicked a look at the chrono in confusion. “What the hell is different from last week?”

Leonard coiled the rope in his hand as Jim brought his now free hands around and massaged the wrists unconsciously. “You were distracted. You kept talking and were able to divert yourself from the fact you were tied up.”

“Talking.”

“Well, now we know that mouth of yours is good for something.”

“Oh Bones, my mouth is good for a lot more than that.”

**Stardate 2257.123**

**San Francisco, California, Earth**

“Have I ever told you about my Dad, David?” Leonard asked nearly ninety minutes into the session.

“You’ve mentioned him a couple times.” Jim stated, his confusion evident at the non sequitur.

He was seated in one of the desk chairs, the wheels locked to keep it from moving. His hands were pulled behind the back of the chair, bound with synthetic ropes around the wrists and elbows. His legs were tied similarly at the ankles and the knees, another rope snug around his chest keeping him upright in the chair.

Leonard’s hands had just finished checking Jim’s pulse and circulation – both well within what he was expecting for tonight’s session – and he found his hands lingering, perhaps, a moment longer on the man’s arms when he felt the man shiver beneath his ministrations. The room was a little cool, despite the California June night, and he moved to the panel near the door to adjust the temperature a little.

“He’s the reason I became a doctor and part of why I joined Starfleet.” Leonard admitted, lingering near the door but turning to keep his eyes on his bound roommate. “He’d been practicing Pediatric Medicine my entire life in Atlanta, one of the most sought-after pediatric physicians on the continent. He was so amazing with kids, me included, and I wanted to be just like him. I married my college girlfriend, just like he did, studied pediatrics just like he did, doubling in psychology just like he did. I was going to mirror my life after him as closely as I possibly could. Even went as far as getting my wife pregnant my last year of residency, just like he did.”

“Wait, you’ve got a kid!?” Jim startled in the chair and snapped his head to the side to look at his friend. Leonard allowed himself a brief smile at the ability to still surprise his best friend. The expression didn’t stay long, and he pushed his body off the wall and started back into the room.

“He got sick before the baby was born. He’d been sick for a long time but never told us; a degenerative nerve disorder that left him in constant and agonizing pain. He was bed ridden, losing more and more of himself every day. Pain meds and blockers stopped working and there were days he could only sob and scream. It was becoming too much, for all of us, and in a rare moment of clarity he met with my mother and the family lawyer and had the necessary documents drafted to facilitate Medical Assistance in Death.”

The doctor didn’t know why he was telling Jim this, the family secret that only four people in the entire galaxy knew. But Jim had been confiding in him more and more every session the past couple months. He had probably learned more about his best friend then anyone else ever had, even Winona. As Leonard sat on the edge of his bed, watching Jim for any signs of distress, he heard himself telling the story.

“I convinced him to hold off on it. I knew of a series of trials being conducted in Oslo; a research team had devised a way to treat and possibly cure his disorder. They were so close to a definitive treatment! It was a hope that hadn’t been there when he’d been first diagnosed.” He breathed in heavily through his nose, grateful that he didn’t have Jim’s memory and while he could remember it, he would never have to hear again the sound of his once proud and strong father sobbing and begging for death. “He was shattering in front of us and we… my mother took me aside one night, told me enough was enough and that it was time for his suffering to end. She kissed him, said good-bye, and held his hand while I administered the secobarbital.”

“Gods, Bones!” Jim breathed sympathetically.

When Leonard looked up at him, the heartbreak he saw in Jim’s crystal blue eyes sent a thrum of relief through his entire body. The look was so sincere and non-judgemental that Leonard barley hesitated to finish the story, knowing that Jim would not blame him even if he still blamed himself.

“Three weeks later, they found the cure.”

**Stardate 2257.130**

**San Francisco, California, Earth**

“I knew him, you know. Before his ‘revolution’.”

The sudden words threw Leonard for a moment, causing him to pause as he was unwinding the bonds around Jim’s ankles. He glanced up at his friend curiously and kept the question to himself when he saw Jim rubbing a thumb over the near invisible scar on his wrist. His roommate was staring at the thin white line on his skin, but Leonard doubted he was honestly seeing it. When nothing else was said, he was worried Jim was losing himself in a flashback.

“Kodos?” Leonard finally voiced after nearly a full minute of silence had passed and resumed removing the bindings.

“Adrian.” Jim corrected, taking a deep calming breath. “The school at the Colony was mainly independent learning. I was able to move ahead at my own pace and study pretty much what I wanted. My step-uncle and his wife were two of the lead scientists with the Agricultural Study they were conducting, and I got clearance to go with them a lot of days. Adrian was the Governor of the Colony and he was also the Head of the study Doug and Sarah were participating in.”

“And that’s where you met him?” He asked, gathering the ropes in his palms and sitting himself in the chair at his desk.

Jim nodded. “I was introduced to him the first time I was allowed into the Lab; had to get his approval before I could work with Aunt Sarah. I impressed him when I could follow the study and even more, I guess, when I began to legitimately contribute to it. For a few months at the end there, I almost exclusively worked with him. He spoke to me like an equal, didn’t talk down to me or ignore me like some of the other scientists. Even gave me access to some of his research.”

“He must have had a lot of faith in you to do that.”

“Too much in himself, more like it.” Jim scoffed. “I don’t think he believed I’d see the changes he’d made to some of the crops, or maybe didn’t think I’d understand what I was seeing. But I did, and it scared me. Shit, Bones, I was only fourteen and I’d just discovered the mysterious fungus that had infected some of the other test fields had been manufactured by the head of the Colony!”

Leonard hissed through his teeth. “That’s not part of the public story.”

“He was vetted and given complete control by the Federation.” Jim arched an eyebrow at him. “How do you think the public would have reacted knowing that one of the greatest tragedies in modern history was perpetrated by a man given such authority? No, the history books name the Governor of Tarsus IV at the time as Adrian Arnold, one of the four-thousand colonists killed by the random colonist who took over and they called Kodos the Executioner. There are maybe fifteen people in all of Starfleet and the Federation that know they were one and the same.”

“That’s got to be classified information.” Leonard pointed out, though he doubted Jim honestly cared. “Why tell me that?”

“Because I knew him as both Adrian and Kodos.” Jim rubbed at the scar again. “For months I learned from him, worked for him, respected and trusted him. He once told me he had always wanted a son and, as much as he loved his daughter, had started to think of me as such. After Frank, I didn’t want to let anyone get close to me like that again, but Adrian? He got me, Bones, it a way no adult ever had. He challenged me, encouraged me and gods if I didn’t start wishing he had been my father.

“But it makes me wonder, Bones, who I pissed off in another life that the two men I regarded as fathers both tried to kill me?”

**Stardate 2257.144**

**San Francisco, California, Earth**

“I can’t do it.

“Jim, you went two hours last time. Blindfolded. Without breaking a sweat.”

“That’s different.”

“I know.” Leonard sighed and crouched down, bringing himself to eye level with Jim as he was laying on the bed. Though that was only a technicality. Jim was laid out on his back, his wrists and ankles secured to the mattress with padded medical restraints Leonard had borrowed from the hospital. They were hardly used these days so they wouldn’t be missed. Another heavy fabric belt was strapped over his chest and another, wider but shorter one was held in his hand. “It’s supposed to be different.”

“Talking, Bones. I need to talk! A gag-”

“Will prevent that, I am aware.” Leonard hated seeing the fear in those blue orbs, fear that he was putting there. But he had seen the progress they were make and knew what had to come next. “It will happen, Jim. If only for the CERE training, they will gag you. Gagging someone, taking away the ability to speak and call for help, is a terrifyingly effective form of intimidation.”

“I know.” Jim said quietly, his hands twisting nervously in their bonds. “To know help is so close, if only they could hear you, but you can’t make a sound; can’t yell or scream around the fabric filling your mouth or the hand covering your lips and nose…”

Jim had his eyes closed, his body trembling slightly on top the mattress, and Leonard feared he was reeling into a flashback when he licked his lips and nodded. Leonard didn’t waste any time, not wanting Jim to have any time to second guess himself and pressed the padding of the medical gag in his hand across Jim’s mouth. It covered from just beneath the nose and down his chin, cupping it slightly to prevent him from opening his jaw. He tilted Jim’s head up, tightening the strap behind the head until it was snug against the skin.

When he lowered Jim’s head back onto the pillow, the younger man’s eyes were still clenched shut and his breathing was quick and harsh through his nose. Leonard placed a heavy had on Jim’s shoulder, keeping it there until Jim relented and opened his eyes to look at him.

“Keep your eyes open, look at where you are right now so you don’t get pulled into a flashback.” He told him, pleased that his voice did not quiver with his own issues. He liked doing this almost as much as Jim, which was not as all. “Remember your breathing, and even if you can’t speak audibly you can do what you need to inside your head. Sing, tell yourself a joke, recite the Starfleet Cadet First Year handbook – I know you’ve got it memorized – hell, insult me! Call me every derogatory name you can think of that you wouldn’t dare say out loud.”

Jim rolled his eyes, but Leonard was pleased to see that his breathing slowed into a more regulated rhythm.

He moved his hand from Jim’s shoulder, letting it slide down the man’s arm until he was gently pressing two fingers against the pulse point in Jim’s wrist. The heartrate was fast, which was to be expected, but after several seconds he could feel it slowing.

Smiling inwardly, Leonard marveled at the strength on James Tiberius Kirk. Other men would have broken beneath what he’d been through, but Jim was determined to not let it define him. He had a path laid out before him and was refusing to let anything get in his way of reaching his destination. Even if that ‘anything’ was his own demons from the past

It was to be admired and emulated.

“My ex-wife had a girl.” He heard himself say before he realized it. The ‘demon’ from his own past that had driven him away from the life he had begun to build and onto the shuttle ride that changed everything.

Jim turned his head toward him while his eyes silently conveyed his confusion.

“The baby she was pregnant with when my father died.” He clarified for the other man. “A little girl. She was the sweetest baby, and I know that’s what every new parent says but she was my little angel. Dark curl, soft brown eyes like her Ma, a giggle that could warm your very soul.”

He sighed, positioning himself to sit on the floor with his back against the edge of the mattress next to Jim’s arm.

“Jocelyn and I were never an easy fit.” He admitted to the quiet of the room. “We knew each other since high school and we only got together to piss off her ex. We were on and off for years, for a while basically just a ‘friends-with-benefits’ kind of thing. We weren’t even technically together when we got married. She’d gone through a bad breakup and a mutual friend of ours was getting married in Vegas – doing the whole ‘spur-of-the-moment’ gig even though it had been planned for months – and Jocelyn didn’t want to go alone. So, we went together. Spent the whole wedding weekend basically joined at the hip, and the night before we were supposed to head back to Georgia, we go a little too drunk, went to one of those cheesy little chapels and got married.”

Jim’s muffle laugh brought a faint smile to Leonard’s face and he wondered what his younger friend thought of that little tidbit.

“It was tough. I was still in school, so was she, but after a very frank and honest conversation we decided to give it a shot. I still ended up spending more time with school and then on my residency with the hospital than with her. We thought we could make it work, did the couple’s counselling after someone had called the police during one of our fights. And then Dad god sick, and she was pregnant, and life became all too real in a matter of weeks”

He felt Jim shift on the bed and then the faint touch of fingers on his shoulder. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Jim, to see the sympathy and understand he knew would be there, but he reached back and let his own fingers brush against Jim’s.

“Joanna was born two months after Dad died. She was everything our family needed then and for a while it was good. I was more in love with Jocelyn that I had ever been, and I thought we were happy. But it wasn’t real, just a temporary fix on a larger problem that had been lurking just beneath the surface from the very beginning. We were fighting again, just not where Joanna could see or hear, and spending more and more time apart. Her with her folks, me with Ma or at the hospital. That last year, we both knew it was just a matter of time. I knew she was sleeping with someone else, so I wasn’t too surprised when I came home after another thirty-six-hour stint at the hospital to find her gone. The notarized paternity papers proving Joanna wasn’t biologically mine however…”

His eyes closed against the pain the burned in his chest as he remembered. “Jocelyn played it perfectly. When she took Joanna away from me, I hit the bottle hard. I didn’t sleep anymore, just drank in an empty house until I blacked out. I’d go to work the next day hungover, hell I was still intoxication while at work some days! When I started drinking at work – just to take the edge off, I’d told myself – well, it didn’t take long for me to lose my job. My reputation went all to hell and Jocelyn decided then was the perfect time to file for divorce. She may have never taken the Bar to practice law, but she had studied and graduated Law School and knew how to work the system. She got everything. The house, the money – Joanna was already hers and despite raising that little girl for almost six years no court in the Federation was going to give an unemployed alcoholic visitation. When the papers were signed and the ink dried, the only one I had left was Ma.”

The room fell into silence for several minutes before Leonard released a soft sigh. Surprisingly, he felt… different. He hadn’t spoken with anyone about it all, not since the addiction counsellor he’d been required to see as part of his Starfleet enlistment conditions. But the fingers on his shoulder never wavered, their presence comforting and reassuring, and disproving his last statement.

His Ma wasn’t the only one had had anymore.

**Stardate 2257.151**

**San Francisco, California, Earth**

“You got back late last night.” Bones commented quietly as he finished knotting the ropes tightly around Jim’s wrists. He was pushing Jim tonight, incorporating both a blindfold and gag, and wanted to allow a modicum of control for his friend. If it got too intense, with his hands tied in front instead of behind him Jim would be able to remove either or both immediately. “It was your first ATT class yesterday; I hadn’t thought they’d keep you longer so soon.”

“They didn’t. I walked around Campus for a few hours after class; needed to clear my head.” Jim answered as he twisted his hands instinctively while Bones knelt at Jim’s feet in the space between their two beds. “We were given classified PADDs with the required readings to go over while individually taken aside. The instructors gave us each an overview of what we can expect and had to sign off on a few points.”

Leonard paused where he had been reaching for the second length of rope still on his bed. “The resistance and escape section of the course.”

The blond nodded. “They gave us a list of interrogation techniques that have been used against Starfleet POWs in the past. Isolation, physical abuse, sleep deprivations, electric shocks, drugs-”

“Jim-”

“They were already aware of the medical concerns of sedatives and narcotics with my history.” Jim reassured the man with a half-hearted smile. “I wasn’t given that option, Pike had already hard-lined that for me. And because my Advisor was the one who did, it won’t count against me.”

Leonard shook his head and picked up the rope. “Dare I ask which ones you did hard-line?” When Jim didn’t answer, Bones’ shoulders drooped, and he looked at his friend’s guilty face. “None of them? Goddamn it, Jim!”

“It’s all been done to me before, Bones.” Jim said quietly, staring at the cords restraining him. “Everything they had on their list and more.”

“And that’s suppose to make it all right?” Leonard snarled, flung the rope away from him and surged to his feet. “You’ve just given them carte blanche to torture you as they please!”

“They’re not going to be sadistic about it, Bones.” Jim tried to calm him, choosing to remain where he sat on the edge of his bed. “They won’t be out to kill me, they won’t risk permanent physical or psychological damage, they won’t rape me-”

“Rape!?” Leonard felt his face go green as his stomach churned with just the thought. “I don’t care if it’s classified, you fucking tell me right now that sexual assault was not on that goddamn list!”

“It wasn’t on the list.” With a soft sigh, Jim finally looked up at Bones. “But even if it had been, I wouldn’t have hard-lined it. I’ve already told you: anything Starfleet would be willing to do is just a fraction of what I’ve already survived.”

It took a few seconds for him to process those words an when he did, he felt his heart break just a little more for the man before him. “Tarsus?”

“Kodos allowed a few of his guards the use of his prisoners.” Jim admitted with a careless shrug of one shoulder. “Before the execution orders, I’d already prostituted myself for food and medical supplies I could hide away, so at that point it wasn’t a big deal.”

“Wasn’t a big deal!?” Leonard parroted with undisguised horror. “You were raped while held captive by a psychopath! How is that not a big deal?”

“Because if I had let it be one, it would have broken me.” The blunt response took the wind out of Bones’ sails. “You’re a psychologist, Bones, you know rape is not wholly about sexual gratification. It’s about power held by one person over another, that your body is theirs to do with as they please, to keep you in your place which is subservient to theirs. Did I want them to rape me? No. Did I enjoy it? Hell, no. Was I going to allow them the power over me to break me down to where they wanted me to be? Fuck, no!”

“It’s not right.” Bones whispered, shaking his head. “You’ve endured so much, too much.”

“But I’ve endured.” Leonard remained rooted to the spot as Jim rose from the bed and held up his hands between them, almost proudly showing off the ropes binding his wrists. “This was the only thing that scared me, that worried me that I would wash out and have to leave you.”

“Leave me?” A smile Bones had never seen before crossed Jim’s lips. It was soft, warm, honest, and thrilled Leonard in a way he didn’t quite understand. 

Jim took a step closer and lifted his tied arms over Leonard’s head and around his neck, drawing them together so their foreheads touched. “I never thought I could find my fit with Starfleet; in fact, I’d once told Nana Kass I would willingly go back to Tarsus before I’d enlist when she suggested it. Even on the shuttle out of Riverside, even as I boasted to Pike, I honestly doubted I’d make it through the first week. But then there you were. Half drunk and threatening to throw up on me.”

Leonard couldn’t stop the snort of amusement that came with that memory and he felt himself relaxing. It was almost instinctual how easily he lifted his hands to rest perfectly on Jim’s hips. Like the last two puzzle pieces aligning to complete the picture. His eyes closed as he let Jim’s words wash over him.

“You are my best friend, Leonard.” The times Jim would use his actual name were few and far between and always poignant. This time wasn’t any different. Jim’s voice was hushed, almost reverent as he continued. “No, more than that. I could survive washing out of Starfleet. I could – and have – survive being tied up, and tortured, and raped. But you? I wouldn’t survive leaving you.”

“You go, I go.” He whispered without hesitation.

The touch of lips against his own was so light he was afraid he was imagining it. His chin lifted slightly, his mouth seeking more of that fleeting feeling and was gratified when he found it. The realization came a heartbeat later than he was kissing his best friend. And this time he wasn’t drunk. His mind stuttered, unable to comprehend what was changing between them in that moment, but at least his body knew exactly what to do.

Hands tightened on the waist beneath them, drawing the other man toward him until their chests were flush against the other’s. Jim’s hands twisted in the cords binding him and his fingers curled into Leonard’s hair. Their mouth’s parted, tongues darting out and meeting and sending a rush of heat through his core. There was no battle for dominance, no awkward fumbling, no clashing of teeth or tongues. Just a magnificent dance perfectly synched between their bodies as if they had been doing just this their entire lives.

_You go, I go._

That’s what he had said, and it had come to him as easily as breathing. He knew that statement would define him until the day he died. There would be no leaving Jim Kirk. He wouldn’t do it. Couldn’t do it. This man he had known for two years had so perfectly slotted into Leonard’s world that any life without him in it wouldn’t be worth having.

Jim’s body was warm against his, the solid chest and muscled abdomen exciting him as no woman had even done. Their tongues were delving and diving into each other’s mouths, Jim’s fingers clenching and unclenching against Leonard’s scalp. He tightened his hold on the other man and begged a long-forgotten god that the moment would be eternal. But even as the thought crossed his mind, they pulled their lips apart simultaneously. Their foreheads were once again touching as they both panted to regain their air.

Jim gave a little laugh, his voice low and husky when he spoke. “I don’t think I’d mind being tied up if I end up being kissed like that again.”

Unwilling to open his eyes and return to reality, Leonard slid his hands around Jim’s waist until he was embracing him fully. The movement resulted in Jim’s head coming to rest on his shoulder and Bones was surprised at how perfectly they fit together. Chest to chest, stomach to stomach, cock to cock…

“God, I love you…” Jim’s words were barely a whisper against his shoulder

“… I know.” He wasn’t trying to be glib, but there could be no doubt that the other man felt exactly as Leonard did. He loved Jim; more than he ever thought he could love someone. And because he loved him as he did, he had to say what he did next. “But we can’t…”

And they really couldn’t.

Not if they wanted to be together.

_You go, I go._

Starfleet would never let them serve on the same ship, especially if Jim wanted to be captain.

To stay together, they had to be apart.

Jim knew that.

Leonard knew that.

And still Jim’s words broke his heart.

“…I know.”


End file.
